SO much on my mind, surprised?

I'm not even going to title this blog anything specific because there is so much that I need to write about!

First of all, I woke up Saturday morning and laid there for an hour in my bed and realized that in 2 more months, I'm going to be 24 years old :'(  Is there such a thing as a "mid 20's crisis" ?  I am freaking out!!!!!!!  It's not so much my age that is scary, 24 is still young BUT women have a biological clock unlike men . . . I can't necessarily wait forever until I want to have kids and that's what scares the living hell out of me.  Some people might think I'm crazy but in reality I know that I want 3 kids and I also know that I don't want to START that process when I'm 30 :'(  I want to cry. Thinking about it, I feel that the latest I should start having kids is 28 . . . THAT'S IN 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am sooooo not ready at all for that, 4 or even 5 years seems like it's going to happen in a flash.  I mean, I've been living in Arizona almost 3 years and that flew by.  All of this probably sounds so crazy but there's many reasons why I've been thinking a lot about this lately, first of all everyone and their sister are having kids and getting married :'(  I see it all around me and I used to think that was ridiculous but then I realized that it's not that abnormal . . . maybe I'm the one behind schedule?  Anyone that knows me knows that the one thing I want in life is to be a mom :)  The day that I meet my first baby will be a dream come true.  You always hear about new moms saying that it's unlike any kind of love they have ever known and your life changes instantly . . . I know it's a lot of very hard work but I so badly want to have that, I can't wait until the time is right and I can finally get it. 

BUT IN THE MEAN TIME . . . this is another thing that has been brewing in my thoughts lately.  When I first came to AZ I had absolutely no intentions on getting into modeling AT ALL.  It's a long story but opportunities just kind of fell into my lap and I decided to do it - I've had both good & bad experiences since doing it over the last 2 years.  But what started out as fun modeling where I didn't really care what the outcome would be of a photo shoot, it slowly began to consume my life in a way.  I realized shortly that there was A LOT of want for me, not just here in arizona either, it's been nationally.  The last several months of photo shoots and working with magazine photographers bla bla bla I realized that I was already starting to get morphed into something that was never what I wanted in the first place.  I got way too caught up in all the possible opportunities - there have been a lot of promises and not much to show for it, but I'm glad because you know why?  Because I'm not like all the other "models" out there and do whatever people in this industry want them to do.  Could I do it?  Yes, but I have values that aren't going to budge.  I will never do anything I don't want to.  Plain and simple.  I decided to take a break for a minute and really THINK about what Jenna wants - I have definitely gained a love for modeling and I'm smart enough to know I am very marketable for it, the question however, is that what I want?  Maybe, I'm not sure right now.  BUT OF COURSE, the moment I post on my modeling port. that I am taking a break, I got everyone out the wood-work begging me not to or that they want to shoot with me - and these people aren't just any ol' people messaging me - these are editors for magazines and photographers for legit magazines . . . ones that I WAS interested in shooting for.  It's like, wow, I swear whatever I decide to do then the opposite happens.  Oh well, at least I know that in a few months if I decide to get back into it then there are hundreds of emails in my inbox, I don't think I'm going to have any trouble finding work :)  But like I said . . . 4 years.  I feel that I have 4 years to REALLY do whatever I want, to be young and have fun because after that it's time to get a lot more serious.  I'm a very responsible person, and I also know I'm a lot more mature for my age - I get that a lot lol I look like I'm 15 but I act older than my age.  What a great combo!  But it's only because I've been through a LOT in my life (yes, there are people that have gone through worse) but it made me very very strong and it also made me HAVE to grow up fast, I didn't have a choice. 

*Side note*  If you are a person that has had terrible things happen in your life - past or present - I'm really sorry.  But if you pitty yourself and want others to feel bad for you, you should know that it's not okay!  Grow a back bone.  When you're down, get up, dust yourself off and whoever has hurt you or whatever troubles you - make that be a motivation to stand up and do something with your life!  Sitting there dwelling on shit aint gonna make you any happier  . . . and that's what we all ultimately strive for right?  Happiness.  So smile and be thankful because what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger . . . if you let it!  :) 

One other thing in my life I wanted to talk about!  A couple weeks ago I finally went to a doctor and was prescribed to start doing hormone therapy.  I found out that my hormones are waayyyy out of whack and it was causing me to break out (ha yeah... breaking out + modeling doesn't mix) and for the last several months I was so confused as to what was going on.  I've never had this happen in my life and nothing was helping.  Not only that though, my moods were up & down & up & down... I was seriously freaking myself out!  Thank GOD I finally found the proper diagnosis.  Oh and boy george!  Wouldn't you know, the hormone pills I'm taking have already started balancing me and no joke, around the 3rd or 4th day on this medicine I have been soooooooooooooooo happy and in a great mood!  I feel how I used to feel and I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've felt . . . normal.  I'm the type of person that doesn't feel too comfortable taking pills and all that BUT this is natural and it's not like an antibiotic that alters things in your body that are un-natural.  This medicine is truly just helping to get me balanced out again and it's made a world of difference, not only my skin (and hair!) but my mood :)  I am so happy, I feel like nothing could bring me down. 

**Another side note ** So I'm eating an apple while I'm typing this blog and Oh my :(  I bought those Crest White strips because I HATE yellow teeth (I don't have yellow teeth lol but I'm just sayin' I refuse to ever have them) and BEWARE if you get them because they make your teeth super sensitive.  When I bite into this apple, it feels like I just dove my teeth into a tub of ice cream - oh my Gawd that makes me get goose bumps just thinking about it.  I bought the "Pro - Whitening kit" which is supposedly the best one and like the label says, you're sure to get "professional" results ... well I don't think it works the greatest when you already have very white teeth to begin with.  My teeth have always been really white but I want them to be even better LOL. 

Well gonna get going now, I need to do some research online today and find a good regular doctor here in the valley because the left side of my abdomen has been fluttering inside, almost like a heart beat feeling and yeah.... from what I've looked up, it can't be anything less than really bad.  So as you can imagine, I'm panicking to say the least :) 

Less is more

 Less really is more when you think about it.  Even when you're talking about your clothes.  Have you ever seen some hoochy mama girl come walking into the club and she is blinged out, short skirt, low cut top and the make-up is outrageous?  I just want to walk up to her and say, "you know you look terrible right?"  I wonder where some of these people get their ideas to dress like that.  I'm pretty certain they took the term 'less is more' thinking it meant WEARING less is more sexy? Wrong.  I love looking and feeling sexy, and sure I would get a lot of men gawking at me if I clothed my body like that - but I prefer to NOT have that happen.  When I go out, my rule is that if I'm wearing a low cut top... then I cover my legs (jeans).  If I'm wearing a mini skirt... then I'm covering up my chest - duh!  It's that simple!  If you dress like a hoe, don't expect to be treated like a lady.  Sorry!  Also, I don't wear too much jewelery either.  Some nice stud earings and some cute bangle bracelets are good for me - not sure why I'm so particular about that but I am!  Oh and with make-up - the only thing I put on is foundation, a little blush and mascara!  I don't deal with the heavy eyeliner, eye shadows, lip sticks - no thanks.  Natural is better but I'll be honest, wearing NOTHING isn't that cute either. 

This reminds me of one of my favorite parts on family guy LOL.  When Peter goes blind, Lois decides she isn't going to wear make-up anymore since Peter can't even see her... so she goes into the living room and Brian is so disturbed when he looks at her and asks her what's going on, she explains and he finally goes, "Oh . . . well.  A little mascara wouldn't kill ya."  HAHAHAHAHA! I DIE every time I watch that part. 

The saying, "less is more" could be used in sooooo many situations.  Here's one more:

You ever know someone who never has been much for words but when they DO say something it usual holds a lot of meaning or that's when you know they are serious? My grandpa is like that - my entire family is loud, obnoxious, crazy and most of the time hormonal because it's mostly women so you can only imagine - but the moment grandpa speaks we all shut up and listen to what he has to say. I'm not sure why I didn't aquire this trait long ago because I have found it really useful in so many situations in my life.

Okay that is all.  I'll be writing later today - it's just one of those days, I call them "Thinker Days" 

Toodles ♥

Be with the person that you love, not the person you like
Be with the person that is your best friend
Be with the person that knows you more than you know yourself
Be with the person that loves you during not just the good times, but the bad times too
Be with the person that doesn't lie to you, even when it hurts to hear the truth
Be with the person that puts God & his family first. . . not money or material things
Be with the person that believes in your dreams
Be with the person that encourages you when you're not so sure
Be with the person that you admire
Be with the person that you seek to be
Be with the person that wants everyone to know you're theirs
Be with the person that smiles when you smile and cries when you cry
Be with the person that has compassion for everything they love
Be with the person that can say 'I love you' and mean every word
Be with the person that will stay fun yet still responsible
Be with the person that you could travel the world with
Be with the person that appreciates quality and not quantity in friends
BE WITH THE PERSON THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT.

Live your life to the fullest

. . . It is such a cliche' thing to say but it's the most simple rule to live by - yet I believe it to be easier said than done.  I'm not sure why but it almost seems it's in our nature as humans to take things for granted, we don't always know what we have until it's gone or sadly it takes something tragic to happen or a big scare to take a step back and realize that our life in this world is too precious.  Several people in my life are fighting a battle and some days it hits me harder than most - today is one of them.  My great grandma is about 97 years old and has the will to live every day.  She is not battling anything very serious but at that age everything is a challenge and everyday is a blessing.  My grandpa Bob just found out he will need triple bipass surgery because the splints that they put in his chest to help his heart had failed when he had basically a mini heart attack.  He has always been the glue in our family - without him, Lord only knows where we'd all be.  And then my boyfriend from high school, his dad Mike has been battling cancer for the past 2 years.  I read his most current CaringBridge and the doctors said that they have done all they can to help - so now he just wants to go home.  My heart is breaking so hard for that family, I wish you all knew this man because you would understand how hard it is to NOT understand why this would happen to him.  He taught me a lot for those several years I got to spend with that family - some of the greatest memories of my life are with them - I don't understand why he has to go through this.  I remember we would go up to their cabin in the summer time in Minnesota, take the paddle boat on the river, I learned how to shoot a gun that last summer and I remember loving the way that they adored me like I was their only daughter!  I was entertainment to them and that was great to me!  There's no greater joy to me than making people smile & laugh.  But in those few years there is one thing I remember us all saying the most and it was, "live your life to the fullest."  It's just so ironic. . . I can barely wrap my mind around it.  Just makes you wonder why terrible things happen to the most amazing people in this world? 

Yesterday I went to a gymnastics gym because I want to start taking some classes again or at least go to open gym to get back into it.  I talked to the head coach there and she was really interested in me once I told her my history with gymnastics and she said that if I wanted I could coach there too!  As you can imagine I was absolutely elated!  Once I walked out of there I was literally screaming I was so happy and the first person that came to my mind that I wanted to share this news with was Grandpa Bob.  When he heard the news I think he was more excited than I was - this is what I adore about him:  He never missed one single gymnastics meet my entire career but not only did he just go there to support me, over the years he understood the emotional/physically AND mechanical part about this sport so it would be an understatement to say he completely got what I was going through.  I would get done with an event and he would be able to explain what I did wrong, where points were docked, etc... He was better than a coach and to this day it brings tears to my eyes knowing how much he genuinely cared about it as much, if not more, than I did.  I'll never be able to thank him enough.  You're probably thinking 'what does this have to do with this blog?'  Well it has everything to do with it because yesterday I realized something for the first time in my life.  I realized that one day I want to be "that" person that someone thinks of first when something great happens in their life.  That they wouldn't want to tell ANYONE in this world until they told me because they knew how much I cared.  THAT is what I want to achieve in life.  I think I am like that to a certain extent to some of my sisters, and I don't think they will ever know that joy until they are old enough to understand and they go through something like I just did. 

It's those little special moments in life like I experienced this past weekend - it makes me realize that I am not only growing up but that life is tough yes, but a lot more rewarding as the years go by - moments like those make you see that. 

To truly "live your life to the fullest" isn't something you just do once in a while, it should completely be a way of life, something you don't have to even think about.  I'm not there yet and it is challenging but it's something I am getting better at.  Life is precious, just because I am young doesn't mean my life couldn't end today.  Cherish it and hold the ones that love you so close to your heart, even if you are miles and miles away.  The lyric that I try to think of everyday and live by is this:

"Be a best friend, tell the truth
& overuse I LOVE YOU.
Go to work, do your best,
don't out-smart your common sense. .
Never let your praying knees get lazy
. . .& love like crazy."

Live by that and you'll always be okay :)  ♥