I'm not even going to title this blog anything specific because there is so much that I need to write about!
First of all, I woke up Saturday morning and laid there for an hour in my bed and realized that in 2 more months, I'm going to be 24 years old :'( Is there such a thing as a "mid 20's crisis" ? I am freaking out!!!!!!! It's not so much my age that is scary, 24 is still young BUT women have a biological clock unlike men . . . I can't necessarily wait forever until I want to have kids and that's what scares the living hell out of me. Some people might think I'm crazy but in reality I know that I want 3 kids and I also know that I don't want to START that process when I'm 30 :'( I want to cry. Thinking about it, I feel that the latest I should start having kids is 28 . . . THAT'S IN 4 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo not ready at all for that, 4 or even 5 years seems like it's going to happen in a flash. I mean, I've been living in Arizona almost 3 years and that flew by. All of this probably sounds so crazy but there's many reasons why I've been thinking a lot about this lately, first of all everyone and their sister are having kids and getting married :'( I see it all around me and I used to think that was ridiculous but then I realized that it's not that abnormal . . . maybe I'm the one behind schedule? Anyone that knows me knows that the one thing I want in life is to be a mom :) The day that I meet my first baby will be a dream come true. You always hear about new moms saying that it's unlike any kind of love they have ever known and your life changes instantly . . . I know it's a lot of very hard work but I so badly want to have that, I can't wait until the time is right and I can finally get it.
BUT IN THE MEAN TIME . . . this is another thing that has been brewing in my thoughts lately. When I first came to AZ I had absolutely no intentions on getting into modeling AT ALL. It's a long story but opportunities just kind of fell into my lap and I decided to do it - I've had both good & bad experiences since doing it over the last 2 years. But what started out as fun modeling where I didn't really care what the outcome would be of a photo shoot, it slowly began to consume my life in a way. I realized shortly that there was A LOT of want for me, not just here in arizona either, it's been nationally. The last several months of photo shoots and working with magazine photographers bla bla bla I realized that I was already starting to get morphed into something that was never what I wanted in the first place. I got way too caught up in all the possible opportunities - there have been a lot of promises and not much to show for it, but I'm glad because you know why? Because I'm not like all the other "models" out there and do whatever people in this industry want them to do. Could I do it? Yes, but I have values that aren't going to budge. I will never do anything I don't want to. Plain and simple. I decided to take a break for a minute and really THINK about what Jenna wants - I have definitely gained a love for modeling and I'm smart enough to know I am very marketable for it, the question however, is that what I want? Maybe, I'm not sure right now. BUT OF COURSE, the moment I post on my modeling port. that I am taking a break, I got everyone out the wood-work begging me not to or that they want to shoot with me - and these people aren't just any ol' people messaging me - these are editors for magazines and photographers for legit magazines . . . ones that I WAS interested in shooting for. It's like, wow, I swear whatever I decide to do then the opposite happens. Oh well, at least I know that in a few months if I decide to get back into it then there are hundreds of emails in my inbox, I don't think I'm going to have any trouble finding work :) But like I said . . . 4 years. I feel that I have 4 years to REALLY do whatever I want, to be young and have fun because after that it's time to get a lot more serious. I'm a very responsible person, and I also know I'm a lot more mature for my age - I get that a lot lol I look like I'm 15 but I act older than my age. What a great combo! But it's only because I've been through a LOT in my life (yes, there are people that have gone through worse) but it made me very very strong and it also made me HAVE to grow up fast, I didn't have a choice.
*Side note* If you are a person that has had terrible things happen in your life - past or present - I'm really sorry. But if you pitty yourself and want others to feel bad for you, you should know that it's not okay! Grow a back bone. When you're down, get up, dust yourself off and whoever has hurt you or whatever troubles you - make that be a motivation to stand up and do something with your life! Sitting there dwelling on shit aint gonna make you any happier . . . and that's what we all ultimately strive for right? Happiness. So smile and be thankful because what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger . . . if you let it! :)
One other thing in my life I wanted to talk about! A couple weeks ago I finally went to a doctor and was prescribed to start doing hormone therapy. I found out that my hormones are waayyyy out of whack and it was causing me to break out (ha yeah... breaking out + modeling doesn't mix) and for the last several months I was so confused as to what was going on. I've never had this happen in my life and nothing was helping. Not only that though, my moods were up & down & up & down... I was seriously freaking myself out! Thank GOD I finally found the proper diagnosis. Oh and boy george! Wouldn't you know, the hormone pills I'm taking have already started balancing me and no joke, around the 3rd or 4th day on this medicine I have been soooooooooooooooo happy and in a great mood! I feel how I used to feel and I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've felt . . . normal. I'm the type of person that doesn't feel too comfortable taking pills and all that BUT this is natural and it's not like an antibiotic that alters things in your body that are un-natural. This medicine is truly just helping to get me balanced out again and it's made a world of difference, not only my skin (and hair!) but my mood :) I am so happy, I feel like nothing could bring me down.
**Another side note ** So I'm eating an apple while I'm typing this blog and Oh my :( I bought those Crest White strips because I HATE yellow teeth (I don't have yellow teeth lol but I'm just sayin' I refuse to ever have them) and BEWARE if you get them because they make your teeth super sensitive. When I bite into this apple, it feels like I just dove my teeth into a tub of ice cream - oh my Gawd that makes me get goose bumps just thinking about it. I bought the "Pro - Whitening kit" which is supposedly the best one and like the label says, you're sure to get "professional" results ... well I don't think it works the greatest when you already have very white teeth to begin with. My teeth have always been really white but I want them to be even better LOL.
Well gonna get going now, I need to do some research online today and find a good regular doctor here in the valley because the left side of my abdomen has been fluttering inside, almost like a heart beat feeling and yeah.... from what I've looked up, it can't be anything less than really bad. So as you can imagine, I'm panicking to say the least :)
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